September 22, 2007

• S is sleeping … and I can’t sleep.  I’ve been very troubled lately about this topic, this word, this saying called “love”.  So I decided to google, “What is love…”    I didn’t find anything good…        But I believe “love” is a lot of things besides that feeling you get when you think you found the right person, or when you’re so happy together dining out, traveling, holding hands, and watching movies together.  ……Or being there to celebrate the joyous moments together.  Those things are only the beginning, and can only go so deep….and so far.  And I always say, if it’s eating, watching movie, and holding hands…. What’s so special about that?  I can do that with anyone and anyone can do that with me.  Nothing special about it.  Nothing to cherish.  And nothing to appreciate.

  
  

   

  
  

  Love it A LOT of work.

  
  

   

  
  

  Loves means also sticking around when things don’t seem so good.

  
  

   

  
  

  Loves means not turning the other way because the bad stuff isn’t fun to deal with or think about.

  
  

   

  
  

  Love may get uncomfortable sometimes.

  
  

   

  
  

  Love means sometimes putting aside your own wants and considering what the other person needs.

  
  

   

  
  

  Love means, sometimes you may need to do things you don’t feel like doing.

  
  

   

  
  

  Love means thinking about a problem instead of wishing it would just go away.

  
  

   

  
  

  Love is really hard.

  
  

   

  
  

  Love can feel very difficult.

  
  

   

  
  

  Love is not a constant keeping score to keep things fair.

  
  

   

  
  

  Love is doing.

  
  

   

  
  

  Love is not doing just the things that come easy, but also doing those things that takes patience.

  
  

   

  
  

  Loving someone, sometimes you have to set aside the “self” the “I”, ….. the “ego”, and make little sacrifices along the way by doing things that may seem unfair or   unreasonable.  But how can one think about or define love in terms of fairness or reason?  Because when someone is willing to make those sacrifices for the one they say they love, this person can be positive they will be loved in the same way when the time comes they are in need of something that may seem unfair and unreasonable to the other person now.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’m not saying I am able to do those things with perfection.  I can’t.  But I am willing to try for the person I say I love.

  
  

   

  
  

  There.  Those are my thoughts on love.  Hm.  Every other word is “love”.  I think this is the most I’ve said this word in a long time.

  
  

   

  
  

  But anyhow, I may talk about this lightly, even jokingly….. I may only casually mention this from time to time.  I get very serious, but almost immediately brighten up with laughter and jokes.  It doesn’t mean I forgot.  It doesn’t mean it’s not on my mind.  But these are values that mean a lot to me.  I am not a nagging person, or someone who just likes to hear myself talk,…. I don’t persist in things that don’t work.

  
  

   

  
  

  S always likes to say he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, or he asks me what I want him to do.  And I’m always stumped for words on the spot.  I end up feeling like maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing.  But after thinking things over… it’s really not one big thing… it’s little things that seem so minute in everyday life I pick up here and there.  But added up together … it’s one big thing that means something to me.

  
  

   

  
  

  And another thing is S never really talks about anything besides what is obvious on the outside.  For instance…. What are the things that he doesn’t like about me?  He’ll get mad at me when some situation arises… But he’s never directly told me something about me that he doesn’t like, or bugs him.  Granted I’d prefer he told me in a loving, “I’m-sharing-my-thoughts-with-you” kinda way.  Because I sure as hell know I’m no where near perfect and I can bug the shit out of people.  Well, I guess he has kinda said stuff.  He’s said he can’t stand it when I’m crazy messy, and I’m working on that.  And he’s also in some random way told me he doesn’t like it when I talk crap about other people.  He actually told it to me in the form of a quote I’m sure everyone has read or heard somewhere, “Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about other people.”  --- Well great people are more tactful in their approaches, and average people just shut up"---- okay I’m just kidding.  Let me just clarify…. I don’t talk crap about people like it’s my favorite pastime, or talk crap about people to whoever I meet.  I only tell S certain thoughts I have about certain people…..        Okay, so I can live with that… I can accept the fact that it might make him uncomfortable if he had to agree or disagree with me about the people I’m talking about.  Just like I don’t like it when he makes remarks about other people’s looks or shortcomings for fun, ESPECIALLY if what he’s saying is true.  So I tell him, “Babe, I really don’t like it when you talk about other people like that.  It really bugs me.”  But all that is beside the point.  My point IS, I try to demonstrate getting a point across without insulting the other person.  I could have just used his way and said, “You know, great people don’t make fun of other people and then laugh at their own immature remarks like a 5 year old without any manners.”

  
  

   

  
  

  The thing is, anytime S tries to tell me something, along the way he makes analogies, examples, and remarks sound very insulting… and if I point it out, he’ll say he’s not and that he was only saying.  Another time was when I repeatedly said I want to win the lottery so I don’t have to work anymore.  And he said, “You need to stop talking about winning the lottery, cause only those low class people keep talking about it.” –or something similar.  Tell me if you wouldn’t be insulted if your other half said something like that.  From that remark, he wasn’t very understanding of me….. I talk about everything all the time when that’s the new interest in my life.  But he only focused on the bad.  For instance, S helped me set up a saltwater fish tank…. And for the last 3 weeks all I talk about everyday is fishies this and fishies that, fish diseases, fish white spots, fish water…….         But when the lottery thing he came up, he couldn’t have nicely told me that he doesn’t like it when I keep dreaming about winning money.  Instead he said I sound like low class people.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’m not saying these things cause I’m mad… I’m saying these things and bringing it up now… cause I want it to be known that words are powerful and can be hurtful.  Sometimes it does more damage than good.  I’m writing it now cause I think sometimes people don’t know the affect they have on other people just because things ‘look’ fine on the outside and so much time has passed since whichever incident.  But with each new incident, it adds to the old one. 

  
  

   

  
  

  That’s why if I ever do something hurtful or upsetting, I’d like to know (in a loving manner).  Because keeping it from me may be more damaging to the relationship than good.

  
  

   

  
  

  I believe things can only improve if we’re willing to look at what has happened in the past.  But for people who don’t like confrontation, don’t like to talk about unhappy stuff, avoids topics, feels like other people are trying to change them, what do I do?

  
  

   

  
  

   

  • 7:10 am
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